Self Care, Self Love and Self Worth: Part II

Last week I wrote the first installment of three posts on Self Care, Self Love and Self Worth; three concepts I’ve been wrestling with, meditating on, and trying to overall understand more personally. Self care was a good one to start with, because let me tell you something: self love is a much harder concept for me to grasp.

Let me start with the definition so we can at least get a handle on the big picture.

self-love, noun. regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).

I love that the definition points out the important difference that the practice of self-love is a desirable one and not a narcissistic one. If you’ve ever watched Parks and Recreation, the picture of Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle in the Treat Yourself episode comes to mind (sorry to say, after much reflection and more than a little experience, I have come to the conclusion that self love isn’t self-spoiling or over-indulgence). But after lots of prayerful thought and contemplation, I think that definition leaves out one really important part, and that’s self-acceptance.

See, lately, I came face to face with some masks I’ve been wearing. Some heavy paint was starting to cloud the conditions in which I would love myself or not; whether or not I would accept myself. They quickly became nonnegotiables as I developed this love (or lack thereof) for myself. Furthermore, I have been known to put other people’s expectations of me above my own until I am no longer making decisions with regard for my own well-being or happiness, but with regard for everyone else’s. (Do you know who wins and who loses when you place everyone else’e needs above your own? Do you know how soul-sucking it is when the only things you prioritize in your own life are the few vanity practices that allow you to keep on your masks so that when you look in the mirror at least you’ll say fewer hurtful things to the woman looking back at you?). This combination of people-pleasing and only-pleasing-myself-through-masking-myself started to take its toll on me to the point where I’ve simply given up the chase. There’s got to be more to how this works. I have to be missing the good stuff.

So what were my masks, you ask? Well, my masks are my own personal tricksters I wrestle with, and even though I’m working on removing my masks (and not putting on new ones) they’re still fresh and raw and it feels too vulnerable to lay those bare. But let’s just say we all wear them to some extent. Maybe it’s the full face of makeup you won’t ever leave the house in. Maybe it’s the expensive lifestyle that makes your financial life unbearably uncomfortable but makes you feel better about your status in the world. Maybe it’s a cosmetic practice you’ve adopted that alters your appearance. Maybe it’s the way you say yes to everything anyone asks of you until your home life is in shreds but the outside world only sees what a good and diligent volunteer/friend/co-chair/hostess you are. I would wear my masks but then pretend they weren’t on, making it shamefully difficult to live without them. Someone might see what I’m really like. Will they still like me? Will I still like me?

I’ve learned that self love looks a little bit like slowing down long enough to look in the mirror (without the masks on) and say hello to that little girl that is somewhere inside of me. Asking her what she needs. Telling her she’s important. Telling her she’s lovable exactly as she is. Telling her it’s ok to say no to things if she has to (even good things; important things). Maria Goff says “We become who we are by practicing the things we know to be true” (Love Lives Here). I couldn’t agree with her more. And you know what, sometimes practice is hard and awkward and I’d really rather not. But I won’t become who I want to without practicing the things that define the type of woman I’m trying to become.

So I’m practicing self love out of tenderness and love for the little girl inside of me. But even more so, I’m modeling this practice for an actual little girl who is growing up in my household (and frankly, for her two brothers as well, because boys are not exempt from this). Brené Brown made the most insightful and sobering statement in her audiobook Gifts of Imperfect Parenting when she says “We can’t raise children who are more shame-resilient than we are.” If you’re constantly critiquing or criticizing yourself, that will inevitably be passed down to your children. If you’re constantly laying yourself across the train tracks for others and pouring out whatever energy and resources you have until you’re empty and drained, your kids will notice and likely become similar adults, because that’s what was modeled for them. Instead of modeling a healthy balance of “what’s right for me and how can I serve others while maintaining a sense of respect for this one body and soul that I have,” my tendency has been to ask “how can I please others fully and at least feel like my surfaces have been buffed and polished if I must do so?” See the difference? It’s an attitude of obligation versus an attitude of pouring out of a self that has been adequately filled up. And you know what? When the vessel is empty, it must be placed under a stream of water to be refilled (this is where self love meets self care and the two can work together to restore the soul and body).

It’s difficult to summarize an essay that I’m still writing in my own life; a concept I’m still fully trying to understand. But I will leave you with some helpful words that are not my own that I’ve found along the way. Do something to practice self-love today. Tell the little girl/boy inside of you that (s)he’s good. Tell the little girl/boy inside of you that (s)he is brave. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. My hope is that one earnest day of loving yourself will start a small snowball that becomes an avalanche in your life and things will never be the same after.

Try to love yourself as much as you want someone else to.

If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.