Achieving. Striving. List making. Entrepreneurship. Accomplishment. People pleasing. Performing.
For the first 30 or so years of my life, I couldn’t tell you why words and behaviors like these resonated so deeply with me. It was only once I discovered the Enneagram that I had that “aha moment” that explained why I am the way that I am and why I am motivated by the things that motivate me.
Let’s back it up a bit. I’m Courtney. I am married to Stockton (Enneagram type 8w7) and we have four children, ages 7, 5, 2 and 6 months. Growing up, I was the middle of three girls, raised by loving and intentional parents in a safe, Christian home. I had a penchant for the performing arts and just enough talent to propel me along in music and dance through early adulthood. While I thought it was my talent that drove the passion, I have since identified that it was more likely the satisfaction of being on stage, performing, and entertaining others that really motivated me (the applause at the end sure didn’t hurt, either). I loved the spotlight (something that is rather hard to admit, I must confess). “Well done,” “You were wonderful” and “We’re so proud of you” became the ching-ching-ching of a winning slot machine for me, and soon enough, I found my value in pleasing people with my performance (“MUST! MAKE! PEOPLE! LIKE ME!”).
As an adult, this has manifested itself in other “job well done” ways. Both of my parents are artist-entrepreneurs (Dad, an architect and Mom, a career artist and former boutique owner). I worked closely with my mom as her retail and wholesale brand manager for a few years before my career path took me down my own road and I opened, curated and later sold my own e-commerce boutique. Though I wasn’t performing in the traditional sense any longer, I still thrived off of people’s validation of the products I sold and the brand I created. I was driven by sales and pleasing customers with innovative and new products and marketing tactics, and once again, I found my value in achievement. Are you sensing a theme?
I wasn’t introduced to the Enneagram until January of 2018, long after my performing arts and business ownership days were past. Thanks to Scott Quigley and Erica Tomasik (and the comfort and intimacy of nightly happy hours on our shared family vacations at Fort Myers Beach), I decided to take the plunge and learn about the Enneagram and in doing so, finally discover who I am, what motivates me, and how to engage with others in light of their Enneagram types.
Without the Enneagram, you run everything through the filter of how you view the world. Since I seek others validation of my accomplishments, I expect others to seek the same. But in reality, what motivates me does not, in fact, motivate everyone. Take, for instance, my husband, Stockton. He is a type 8; a strong leader, confident and assured. He does not require the validation of others to know he is valuable, and thus, he doesn’t communicate that way. Previously I may have thought “He doesn’t think I’m doing a good job at being a wife and mother because he never seems to see and praise everything I do around here!” Now, though, I realize that any lack of praise has nothing to do with whether or not he sees me and thinks I’m doing a good job, it has everything to do with the fact that if he doesn’t see anything wrong with my “performance,” he doesn’t see it as needing to be challenged or critiqued. (I must add, Stockton is an incredible champion of my work as a stay at home mom and shows his appreciation by trusting me with this, instead of controlling it which may be more characteristic of a type 8). You see, what I’m trying point out is that our types largely dictate our communication styles, our motivations and how we engage with others around us. Understanding our Enneagram types (and all nine types, since we have relationships with individuals representing each number) has allowed us to give grace to people where we were previously unable to give grace, to understand why people behave and react the way they do to certain situations, and to accept others as they are instead of wanting to change people to make them more like ourselves.
One of the most beautiful realizations I have had about the Enneagram as a Christian is understanding that if we are all made in the image of God, He is a perfect and whole picture of each type of the enneagram through his son, Jesus Christ. Though we are fragmented and in our humanity only able to represent a fraction of these rich, deep and beautiful types, Jesus is all of the wonder and beauty and holiness of each type. He is the perfection that the 1 strives for. He is the tenderness and compassion that the 2 provides. He has overcome death and the grave and all creation sings his praise, the ultimate achievement for 3’s. He is creator, 4. He urges us to think deeper, at 5. He is loyal and true, 6. He is untethered and full of joy at 7. He paves the way and is a champion for the least of these at 8. And he is the prince of peace at 9. No matter where you identify on the Enneagram, you are made in the image of God.
Today, as a stay at home mom, I have learned that my value is not found in my performance, even though my personality tends toward list-making, busyness and achievements. I recognize when I start tending towards over-achieving and am able to identify this behavior before it starts to control me. When I am healthy, I allow myself to recognize this and slow down, breathing in what matters; my kids; my marriage; slow growth; white space. Knowing myself through the filter of the Enneagram has allowed me to be a more intentional mother and woman, recognizing tendencies and motivators and acknowledging them instead of feeling caught off guard by their arrival.
Learning the Enneagram is truly a gift you can give yourself, your marriage, and all of your relationships, and I am so grateful to have been given this gift of self-awareness.
Recommended resources:
- Wepss.com (you may take this inexpensive test to identify your enneagram type; while not free, this is the most accurate and thorough test that I have found).
- Books to go further: The Road Back to You, The Path Between Us, The Sacred Enneagram
(Originally guest-posted on Erica Tomasik’s blog, abundantbodyandsoul.com as a part of her ongoing Enneagram series)